Three's a Crowd

This is a 10 min. play that I wrote for my final. It got good scores and I am very proud of it. I got the inspiration from the idom, "800 pound Gorilla in the room". I had fun with it and went from there.

A Den or Study

A desk and small table with a vinyl player. This is all that is essential.

DAVID is looking out a window with drink in hand. JAKE is puffing away at a cigar, sitting behind David’s desk with his feet on the desktop. 

DAVID

There is nothing to be done.

JAKE

Don’t be overdramatic. It’s not the end of the world.

DAVID

Yes. Yes it is. It’s the end. It’s over. I should just jump out of this window and call it good.

JAKE

(Putting out cigar)

Considering you’re not even high enough to break your arm, I’d say it might be better to have another plan.

DAVID

Stop joking. And take your feet off of my desk. It may be all I have left once she’s done with me.

JAKE

David, stop being so dramatic!

DAVID

I am not being dramatic. Why else do you think she would come here? She wants me to go through with the divorce so she and that stupid animal she picked up in Barcelona can live out their lives in splendor. (Pause) I need another drink.

JAKE

Even so, it will be like a bandage. She’ll come today and it will be over. Rip her out of your life and by tonight you’ll be a new man! Even if it means she ends up with the house.

DAVID, having heard this, downs the contents of his glass in one fell swoop.

DAVID

Why don’t you come? You and what’s her name don’t have anything going today right? 

(DAVID at this point gives up on the glass and takes the whole decanter with him as he sits upon his desk.)

I mean, I haven’t met your latest girl yet anyways. It might be fun.

JAKE

Hmm… yes… sounds thrilling and all, but I’ll pass. 

(JAKE sits up on top of the desk with DAVID and takes his decanter away from him and sets it to his other side.)

I’ll tell you what though; I’ll pass by here again later and we’ll celebrate your official renaissance as a bachelor, alright?

DAVID

You’re such a good friend.

JAKE

I know. Go clean yourself up and I’ll see you later. 

JAKE exits and as he does so, the scene shifts. Servants come in and clear everything off the study table (except for the decanter, which DAVID manages to take into his possession again) and they set the desk with a table cloth, cutlery, dinnerware, and various plates of food. 

The study has now become the dining room. Another servant comes in and helps DAVID into a suit coat, relieving him once again of the decanter. As the servant leaves he says:

SERVANT

Madame Elizabeth Foster has arrived.

ELIZABETH enters in all her feathered glory. She is followed by a silent companion who appears to be a gorilla in semi formal attire. This is not poeticism; the man should be wearing a gorilla mask. A third chair is pulled and soup is served, leaving DAVID, ELIZABETH, and the GORILLA alone in the room.

DAVID

Thank you for agreeing to meet me here. I find this more pleasant than if we did this in a public place.

ELIZABETH

Are you worried you’d lose your temper? Don’t want to cause a scene.

DAVID

Ha. Just as witty as the day I left you.

ELIZABETH

If I remember correctly, I left you.

DAVID

I see your memory is just as selective too. Well, Im glad you haven’t let our situation phase you.

Gorilla accidently knocks over the salt shaker. ELIZABETH sits and DAVID follows suite, but not before he throws a pinch over his shoulder.

ELIZABETH 

Not that. Still?

Withering silence.

DAVID 

(trying to change the direction of this sinking ship of a conversation)

I saw the Dickinsons at the garden party last week. They seemed to be doing quite well.

ELIZABETH is silent. There is a slight uncomfortable pause which is broken as ELIZABETH begins slurping her soup. Loudly. With each loud slurp we see DAVID tensing. We also see the GORILLA getting more and more worked up. 

DAVID clears his throat loudly after which the GORILLA pounds his fists on the table. Both DAVID and ELIZABETH are startled and turn their heads towards the GORILLA. 

Pause. 

They slowly turn back again towards their plates and are silent. 

ELIZABETH

Did you hear about the Brooks family? 

DAVID

(feigning interest as sarcastically as he can)

No, I don’t believe I have baby doll. Did she leave her husband too?

ELIZABETH

Don’t start that. I am trying to be civil. And don’t call me baby doll.  

DAVID

I suppose the term is only reserved for your lovers? Who’s the lucky one today?

The GORILLA throws a glass of water in ELIZABETH’s face. She is shocked but does nothing more than dab her face with her napkin, followed by a brief pause.

ELIZABETH

As I was saying about the Brooks, you know their daughter Louise? She’s gone off to Hollywood to be an actress. Everyone thinks it’s scandalous, but supposedly she’s making quite a living down there.

DAVID

I hope the poor child learns that money is not everything.

    ELIZABETH (Coldly:)

I am glad to hear you think so.

DAVID

Why? 

ELIZABETH 

It will make things easier for my conscious knowing you won’t be ruined when I take everything you own.

The GORILLA throws a glass of water in DAVID’s face. He picks up his napkin and dabs his face.

DAVID

While we are on the subject, I assume you have the papers written out and ready to sign for our divorce?

ELIZABETH 

Of course. There are, however, some minor details that need to-

DAVID

What is it you want?

ELIZABETH 

The house. 

DAVID

The house? 

ELIZABETH 

And the car.

DAVID

No.

ELIZABETH 

I believe that car was a gift to-

DAVID

It’s my car. I paid for it. And it’s my house. No.

Silence, but the GORILLA is visibly restless.

ELIZABETH 

And I don’t suppose you’ll be entertaining much, so I’d like the china we’re using as well. It-

DAVID

No!

The Gorilla smashes a piece of china against the wall. 

ELIZABETH 

Well now it’s incomplete. You might as well keep it

DAVID

Can I speak with you privately for a moment?

DAVID and ELIZABETH meet downstage left. DAVID has lost a few marbles at this point. Just a few.

DAVID

Would your little guest like anything else? A banana, perhaps?

ELIZABETH

What are talking about?

DAVID

That brute you brought is going to destroy the whole place if you don’t keep him in line.

ELIZABETH

Me? I thought he was one of your ghastly friends. 

DAVID

Of course he’s not one of my friends. He came in with you!

ELIZABETH

Well he wasn’t in my car when I arrived, that is for sure.

At this point the GORILLA has crouched down near ELIZABETH and is trying to lift up her dress to take a peek. She turns right around and slaps his hand.

ELIZABETH

(As she would reprimand a dog:)

NO! No! Bad monkey. So he’s not yours?

DAVID

Of course not! 

ELIZABETH

Well he’s not mine. At any rate I don’t think we’ll be able to get rid of him, no matter who he came with or why.

DAVID

Well what do you suggest we do?

ELIZABETH 

What do we do? We do what our parents trained us to do best. (Pause) Look the other way.

Upon saying this, they both return to their respective seats and continue eating their food. The Gorilla grows tired and falls asleep wherever he’s ended up at this point.

DAVID

Now where were we?

ELIZABETH 

David, I-

DAVID

No, no. I want this over. Now let’s be civil here. I’ll give you the house, but only if I get the summer house.

ELIZABETH 

What? Why would you want the summer house? After my little fling with Jake, I thought you’d abhor the place.

DAVID

Excuse me?

ELIZABETH 

Besides this house is closer to-

DAVID

Wait. What fling?

ELIZABETH 

Fling? I haven’t the faintest idea as to what you mean.

DAVID

You said fling.

ELIZABETH 

No I didn’t.

DAVID

Yes, you-

Ding! He’s just put the pieces together.

No

ELIZABETH 

David, I-

DAVID

You beast.

The GORILLA is awake.

ELIZABETH

Really!

DAVID

You slept with Jake? 

ELIZABETH 

Alright I admit it. Once. But that’s beside the point. You can have the - 

DAVID

How could you do that? My best friend? There is a reason why I kept him away from you! You, you harpy!

The GORILLA is now on a rampage. He throws plates, food, and whatever else he can grab.

ELIZABETH

Harpy?! Our marriage was already hanging by a pitiful thread. Whatever happened with Jake happened because you drove me to it. Besides, you were lousy in bed!

DAVID stops in his tracks. Too close to home. He picks up food from the table and hurls it at ELIZABETH. The GORILLA loves this. ELIZABETH? Not so much.

DAVID

Well, I always thought you sounded like a screech owl when you sang!

ELIZABETH

(Like a bat out of Hell:)

I have a beautiful voice!

ELIZABETH grabs food and hits DAVID back. This starts an all out food brawl. The GORILLA dances around in the back, throwing the occasional plate and knocking over chairs.

ELIZABETH 

I am going to take everything you own and then burn it just to see you squirm.

DAVID

Fine! You think I care. I only wanted it to remind me of you anyways. What a joke. You’re lucky I didn’t burn the place to the ground myself.

ELIZABETH 

You’re a monster. Just so you know, I never loved you!

DAVID

Bitch! 

ELIZABETH

BOOB!

The GORILLA is out of control and goes for ELIZABETH. Things have taken a turn for the worse and DAVID realizes this.

As the GORILLA pushes ELIZABETH to the ground, DAVID comes up behind him and jumps on his back. A struggle ensues.

They bump into the record player, turning on Embraceable You by Gershwin. 

The GORILLA has taken DAVID by the throat, but behind him comes ELIZABETH, who smashes a vase over his head. The GORILLA is dazed for a moment, giving DAVID the chance to deliver a blow to the head so strong it floors the pesky primate and knocks him out cold. 

ELIZABETH runs into DAVID’s arms. 

ELIZABETH 

Oh David. That was-

DAVID

I know. 

ELIZABETH starts laughing, which grows until DAVID can’t help but join. They start slow dancing to the phonograph, which miraculously seems to be the only thing standing.

ELIZABETH

Where did it go wrong David? 

DAVID

(jokingly, but only slightly:)

Well, if you could have kept your big mouth shut from time to time..

She hits him, but they continue dancing.

ELIZABETH

So where do we go from here? Do you think we could still-

DAVID

No. Not yet. (Pause) What do we do about him?

ELIZABETH

The Gorilla? Don’t worry about it. Let’s just do this.

They keep dancing around the wreck that at one time was a dining room. It’s in utter shambles now but for the moment, they just don’t care.